Preparing For That BIG Goodbye

So we’re still in the midst of our examinations (one last paper, yay!), but I’ve been having sleepless nights worrying about something else.

No matter how well I manage to feed and clothe myself whenever my entire family is away on weekend trips, I’m not at all ready to go sustain myself in a totally foreign place for 4 months. Nevertheless, I’ll keep telling myself otherwise to soothe those butterflies fluttering about in my poor stomach and to reassure myself that I won’t die of Salmonella or any other undercooked-food related diseases when I’m there. Horse meat also doesn’t seem to be drawing me away from Europe. In fact, I’m curious. Does it taste even remotely like beef?

I’m, as usual, staying up past the witching hour while my family’s asleep. The whole house is quiet save for those random scary noises. I’ve always liked the quietness of the night. I even wished for more nights like this. My wish is going to come true, it seems. I will have approximately a hundred nights to go tap-tap on my laptop without anyone to bother me. I can sing at the top of my lungs and dance without my pants on (bad idea, it’ll probably freeze my butt off). Be careful what you wish for, they say. I will have my free time, but I will be lonely as hell.

I’ve been trying to spend more time with Mummy beloved and be on good terms with my father. I’m still picking fights with the kids because they will miss calling me various forms of private parts after I’m gone. As much as I hate saying this, I’ll miss every rude gesture they have ever given me too.

Just last week, I was helping my mother pluck out her white hair (apparently my grandma had this habit of removing them from her head too) and I realized just how much of them she had. “A few more years and you’ll be bald,” I joked. She laughed, but I know we both know that she’s more than halfway through her life and the mere thought of that broke my heart so much they could have turned into powder. It’s one thing to grow up. It’s another thing watching your parents age. I was so stupid. I was so excited to leave, but I hadn’t noticed that my parents were growing old. Four months without them, how would it turn out? Would Mum have more white hair? Would Dad have more wrinkles on his forehead? Suddenly, I’m reluctant to leave.

I can’t back out now, not that the tickets are already confirmed. Both my parents felt that this would be a great experience for me too. “…learning to live on your own,” they said. I guess leaving will make me love and appreciate them so much more. It’s a lesson, and a great big one that goes right through to your very soul that it hurts physically.

It’s made me think too. I think I shouldn’t have children in the future. I wouldn’t want to bring someone into the world and have them feel that much pain in life. My genes wouldn’t bring them good health anyway.

Anyway, I think I’ve tucked my emotions under that little fleece blanket in the depths of my heart. Let’s just hope I secured them there tightly enough so I wouldn’t turn up looking like an emotional wreck in front of my supervisor.

On to more technical issues. What to do with my mobile phone? What to bring over? Credit card or cash? A whole bottle of shampoo for Asian hair? These are all valid worries. I have only 23 kg of baggage space and I’ve got to stuff 4 months of my life into the not-so-big-anymore black bag. We’re working things out one by one until D-day (D for departure) comes, but we’re running short of time. With one more exam to get through, this is not going to be easy.

Between all these, there’s the informing-your-friends part. “Please don’t call me at this number.”, “Please take note of my new number. But DON’T call/text unless you want a huge phone bill.” Turns out there are more loose ends to wrap up than I expected.

Goodbye everyone, see you in Ireland.

(Well at least it’s beautiful there.)


2 thoughts on “Preparing For That BIG Goodbye

  1. I can understand about your parents. It only hit me very recently, as in this past year or so, how my mom is aging. Time whizzes right past you. She still quite young, but with certain health problems of hers I’ve been particularly worried and always reluctant to move away.

    You’ll probably have bouts of homesickness, I bet! I hope you have a great time there regardless and make yourself at home, even if it’s only four months. This sounds like a great opportunity (if not a little frightening as well) to grow and become more independent. Best of luck!

    • Yeah, it’s very worrying indeed! Problem is there’s nothing we can do to stop that, but try our best to be by their side more often now.

      I haven’t actually felt homesick this week and it’s probably because I’m still settling in. Thank you. In one week, I’ve learnt more than I ever could just staying at home.

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