Falling Down

…and trying to climb back up.

I had a pretty horrible end to 2013. Everything went relatively well until I finished my mid-terms. Then, I just took a huge plunge down an abyss (metaphorically). Just ask anyone who’s ever fallen down more than 2 floors. It wasn’t pleasant.

I knew it was kind of coming even before my exams. After that, I just didn’t feel like getting anything done or talking to anyone. I cut off contact with my friends and the only two things on my mind were work and school.

On Christmas Eve, I finally hit the bottom of the abyss, and boy was it painful. It was dark, but I’m pretty sure there were sharp rocks down there. Somehow, the fall didn’t kill me (guess I have a pretty damn high will to live). If I could stop anyone from taking that fall, I would. The bottom is a frightfully hopeless place; no happiness, no soul. If you’ve ever descended into that wretched place before, you’d know.

On New Year’s Eve, all I wanted was for the New Year to not come. Sadly, my words were not heeded and 2014 came anyway. By this time, I was scrambling about at the bottom, frantically searching for a way out. While I was at it, I paid attention to my surroundings for the first time. The ground was covered with things I couldn’t see. They rattled whenever I kicked or stumbled into them. I’m trying not to think that they were bones. I’m glad I didn’t just sit there and wait for the grim reaper to arrive. I finally realised that I couldn’t climb out of the abyss in total darkness, alone. I was lucky that my phone survived that horrendous fall too. I enlisted help and began the long wait for it to arrive.

Today – Some time after New Year’s Day, some kind soul parachuted my laptop and a stack of schoolwork into the abyss (drat! I thought I could escape that). I’m also trying to keep myself busy and distracted from the fact that I’m lost and alone in the darkness. I’ve built myself a harness using the rope that bound my homework together and am clawing my lonely way up, step by step. I know that I can’t go all the way by myself. This is probably the only time I’m admitting that I need someone to light the way or to pull me up. I’m still waiting for the ray of light from a torch to shine down into this deep dark hole. In the meantime, I can only hope. I can only hope that I won’t fall back down, because this time, I’m not so sure I will survive the fall.

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4 thoughts on “Falling Down

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your 2013 :(. I didn’t have a fantastic 2013 either, but I can tell you that there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it’s not the light you expect, but it’s there and it’s up to you(not you literally) to decide if you want to accept it or not. I know it can be hard, but I think you owe it to yourself to come out of the darkness because you have so much to live for and while life doesn’t go according to plan most of the time, everything is a lesson at the end of the day, including the darkness. But don’t shut people out, because in the end you’re the one that ends up hurting because of it. You’ll get out of the darkness I’m sure and I hope you know that there are people who care about you :). Take Care and I hope 2014 will be a better year!

    • Hi Savindi, thanks for your concern! I’m trying really hard to keep it together now and so far I’m doing fairly fine. I’m still attending classes as per normal, thank goodness! The strange thing about this was that there was no reason at all for me to feel like that. I just suddenly had no motivation to do anything at all. I’ll keep going until I find the light, no matter how long it takes, and when I do, I hope my posts will be a little more uplifting to read. 🙂 That said, you take care too, alright? Keep warm (I heard it’s really cold up there!) and let’s all hope for a good year.

      • I’m sorry for the late reply! I hope you’re doing better :). I saw your other post, but I didn’t get a chance to make a comment on it. How is the deciding degrees dilemma going? What I can tell you is that your interests tend to change when you’re in University and if that does happen to you, don’t be afraid to accept that change in interest and pursue something else :).

        Ahah it has been quite cold, but at least the Polar Vortex that engulfed us and the States has finally gone away. But this is Canada lol, we should be used to this kind of weather. Yes, I hope it’ll be a great year for everyone- especially for you!

      • I’m doing great, thank you! I’m still brooding over my uni application, unfortunately. Thanks for the advice! I do think it’ll come in handy some time down the road due to my very fickle mind. Haha.

        Anyway, how are you doing back in school? I think I saw your post about it a few weeks back, but didn’t manage to ask you about it.

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